The Rag Mag, Volume #18: The Michael Draven Sucks Edition

Let’s talk EWA, Live from Sydney, 3’s Kompany, Kings, Queens, Lords and Ladies, and what has become the Summer of Sahara.

It’s been a long time, Ragfans, but I’m back from my hiatus, and here to talk about all things EWA.

Since my last column, featuring none other than Tanya Black, the landscape of the EWA has changed in many ways. So, let’s touch base on some. Do try to keep up, and keep in mind none of this is in any particular order.

Ready?

Speaking of Tanya Black, the EWA released her over what I could only call creative differences. As in the EWA was creative and she … I know, that’s not necessary! Love ya Tanya. So the Fallout disbanded, thus ending the greatest yet short lived female faction in the history of wrestling. The Youth disbanded. Three Kings came together and then the kingdom fell. HATE is in the midst of falling apart at the seams as NOTHING defeated Mephisto and Calder brought destruction upon Michael and Maggie, yet the house of HATE is left in shambles. Kage fought Haven and Haven fought Kage. Kage retired. Kage returned. Kage won the World championship and then walked away. Robertson fought Grady. Grady won. Yelled at some clouds. Grady then retired. Robertson declared himself World Champion material after losing to Grady, not quite sure how that works, but a returning Stacy Vandervort put him in his place. Sean Boden’s house of cards collapsed, and got what was coming to him. Sahara slept around, ohh, with Sinn, her son, Michael Draven, and I assume others … though not with me, unfortunately. She somehow convinced Sinnocence to train her. Oh, then and she defeated Grace and Gaunt in a show stealing ladder match and recaptured the Combat Championship. Which she subsequently lost to William West with an assist from EWA newcomer Cronos Diamante. Josh Kaine, who was sleeping with Sahara, formed a tag team with Sahara’s little brother, who then added Nikki Caldwell to the mix … and won the tag-team titles Freebird style. Laura and Willmott found their happily ever after. I think. Alex Brooks debuted. Minxy, Lagrima, and Muerte came together as the Fabulous Vice Squad. Alice became Grace’s new punching bag. Elizabeth Gaunt disappeared. Donovan King returned, kidnapped the sometimes fatherly Goeren, and subsequently disappeared. Ethan Leers is demented, but a trainwreck you just can’t stop watching. Jester Smiles also returned, but is … different? I’ll believe that when I see it. Maggie, now a member of 3’s Kompany, captured the Network Championship in an astounding 3 second record breaking match, some would say with an assist from her wife, Sahara. Yes, you read that right. And last but not least, but it’s worth pointing out, Michael Draven is the luckiest man in the universe and I hate him with the burning passion of a thousand suns. Oh, and who are 3’s Kompany? That’d be Draven, Sahara and Maggie. The most unlikely NC17 trio the world’s ever seen…living in not so perfect harmony…and every episode that airs I oddly find myself wanting more.

*Deep Breath*

I do apologize if I missed anyone, but that was a lot to recap from memory alone.

Yes, I realize I typed *deep breath* as if I was taking a deep breath from all that typing. I wasn’t. I was just trying to be dramatic.

Wow, it’s hard to know where to begin.

The EWA took a chance this summer and shelved a number of its major names, banking on the fact that the few remaining full timers would be able to carry the burden on a limited schedule and keep things rolling as we awaited Live from Sydney. A mix of Cronos, Maggie, Sahara, Michael Draven, Robertson, Haven and a few others shouldered the load, but in what I’ve come to call the Summer of Sahara, the former rookie that a year ago was losing to the likes of Johnny Napalm … became a star.

A woman that was once an afterthought, originally slated to be the sidekick of a sidekick, saw her fortunes change when the original idea of the Fallout collapsed. Blossoming under Grace Goeren’s rule, she went on to become one of the most cowardly heel champions I’d seen in quite a long time. Disliked by all, she took an opportunity given to her by sheer luck and ran with it, eventually culminating in an embarrassing one-sided loss to her now wife, Maggie McIntyre. Always relentless, she didn’t give up, but instead sought the help of the legendary Sinnocence and trained tirelessly for months. While she still displays moments of awkwardness in the ring, her win at all costs spirit combined with her uncaring ability to dish out and absorb punishment have made her a truly scary proposition, to the point that even Stacy Vandervort’s eyes were opened, and that little blonde who a year ago couldn’t buy a victory, is now considered a number one contender for the EWA World Heavyweight Championship.

In a bit of a sadder yet still somewhat triumphant story, the legendary Grady Smith captured the EWA World Heavyweight Title, lost it, walked away from wrestling … got called out by his own son and returned, only to put him down. It should have been a moment of glory for Grady, but something tells me the bittersweet memory of having to defeat his own son is likely to nag at him for the rest of his life. Wrestling it seems, does not have a place for family ties.

Next on the list we have Chris Kage. The legendary multi-time EWA World Champion that seems to have retired from a business in which you never say never. However, this time, it sadly feels like it actually is … well, never. Battling his lifelong best friend Alexander Haven in a blood feud driven by unrelenting jealousy, the two collided for the industries top prize at the biggest show of the year only to find that the price they paid was too steep to justify. While there may be no words strong enough to capture the energy and the emotion of the moment, in what should have been the final act where villain turned hero Chris Kage stood victorious, the newly crowned champion left the EWA World Heavyweight Title lying in the center of the ring. In a bewildering moment, there it stood, glistening beneath the lights so many have bled beneath for that very prize. It was a symbolic gesture that meant, at least in my eyes, that there are some things in this ultra competitive world that just aren’t worth it.

3’s Kompany. This is an obvious spin off of the 3 King’s name I created for my own amusement — and out of outright jealousy — that Michael Draven finds himself living with, and sleeping with arguably two of the most gorgeous women in the EWA. Now, Maggie McIntyre aside, who is absolutely beautiful in her own right, I want to take a moment to get something perfectly clear about his other wife, Sahara. Let’s not mince words here, as some of you may have never met her, but I have, and there is something you have to understand about Sahara that you may dismiss when seeing her on television and assuming makeup and lighting are at play. Sahara, also known to many as Lauren MacKay, is really, really, really good looking. Even by the standards of wrestling or television, despite her age, she turns heads like no other. And Michael Draven has her and Maggie McIntyre, as if she wasn’t enough on her own. So let me be very clear that I will never have a nice thing to say about this man out of petty jealousy…no one man deserves that. That said, 3’s Kompany, and their near endless antics did a lot to shoulder the burden of ongoing storytelling throughout the summer months, and it’s been amazingly fun to watch.

What about HATE, and the saga of William West, NOTHING, and the always intriguing Indrid Calder? While NOTHING allowed the house of HATE to fall into ruin throughout his blood feud with Jacob Mephisto, he’s now passed that demon and thus begun rebuilding. Brick by brick. The house of red letters is on the mend, despite it’s recent issues. Calder disposed of Michael Draven and Maggie McIntyre in brutal attacks that left both hospitalized, and good, I hope it hurt. Not you Maggie. Michael. I hope it hurt. Watching Sahara care take of you all Summer made me sick. Sorry for the rant. Then, quite abruptly, Calder disappeared, but left in his wake the claim that once he finds what he’s been looking for, he shall return. I can’t wait to see what he has in store … or what he’s looking for. West, now separated from the hive, has found his own identity as the reigning Combat Champion. A champion strong enough to dethrone the Crimson Queen herself. But as the purveyor once said, NOTHING lasts forever. In this case? Nothing being the crumbling ruins of HATE. Mark my words, that won’t last.

Now, last but not least, let’s discuss the upcoming super show, Live from Sydney. At the upcoming Battlelines 34, a new World Heavyweight Champion will be crowned, and at Sydney, they will defend that title in a Fatal Four Way jam packed with star power. Pitting the winner of said Warrior’s Trial against former champion, Grace Goeren, HATE’s NOTHING, and last but not least, Sahara herself. Usually in these types of matches, there are automatically one or two competitors you can dismiss as potential winners, but not in this match. Any of these three can win, and being that I do not know who the fourth man or women is quite yet, I can’t speculate, but seeing as they they’re able to win the Warrior’s Trial, I’d venture to guess they won’t be a pushover.

As this card marks the Season Premier — at least that’s what they’re calling it — I’m expecting a massive series of big returns on the upcoming 34 show as well as at Sydney. So, while it’s common to say anything’s possible in wrestling … time time it actually is. In other matches already announced, Martin Robertson will be facing a big test in either Maggie McIntyre or Ethan Leers for the Network Title. And in what they’re calling an Australian Rules Trios Tag-Team match, The Vice Squad will take on the team of Mocajo. Note these are three man/woman tag-teams and the winning team will take home the gold.

Just three matches so far announced on the season kick off show, and the card is already stacked.

Riddled with returning legends, from Donovan King to Cronos Diamante, to Jester Smiles and Alex Brooks, the EWA roster is stacked to the gills with big names and growing talent all vying for the iron throne. And one things for sure … it’s gonna be fun as hell watching the fight.

I hope this little recap caught you up to speed on some of the happenings surrounding the EWA this past summer and for what’s to come…until next time. Take care of yourselves … and fuck Michael Draven.