The Rag Mag, Volume #8: Return of the Rag

Greetings, bitches…last you heard from me I had sent warning that change was upon us.

And my, oh my what a difference a week…or a month…or more than that can make. Yes, I’ve been getting complaints asking about the next Rag Mag from some executives over at EWA headquarters…but I’m not quite sure they understand what I do here.

Yea, yea, I praise what I think is amazing…but I’m also not afraid to tear someone asunder that I think sucks.

Like I did with the Hierarchy. 😉

Anyway, let’s have at it. Last we spoke, The Youth were on top of the world (though some could argue they still are, they’d be wrong, but they could argue it), HATE were rising, Duane Gates was eating…and that’s about it.

Well, ok, a lot more was going on, but so much of it was just simmering beneath the surface we didn’t see it coming.

Since then, a new faction of killer bitches call The Fallout have emerged, Maggie McIntyre made a vicious turn by siding with Indrid Calder, Sean fuckin’ Boden returned…and holy hell, even Jaime Alejandro is back in action, resurrecting Sex and Violence!

We got a new slew of champions, from Alexander Haven winning the Combat Championship, to The Vice Squad making tag-team wrestling NOT suck again, and NOTHING carrying the Network strap…

Oh, speaking of titles, it seems the EWA wised up a bit and got rid of that…what was that one title? The second town on the left from the Atlantic coast championship? I mean, seriously, what was that? Was that like being the champion of 50 square miles of some coastal region nobody knows exists?!

See what I mean by I don’t hold back, EWA?

Careful what you wish for.

Ok, jokes aside, there is soooo much to talk about, kids…but so little time!

First and foremost, let’s get this out of the way. I’ve been busy…if you know me behind the scenes of the EWA (and you likely do), you know I have a bit of pet project going on with that company…and it tends to take up much more time today than it did a few months ago while I was filling gaps in my sad and lonely life by writing up dirt sheets.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me start with some low hanging fruit on this tree of dirt…FACTIONS. Starting with Grace Goeren and The Fallout. It’s rare in wrestling that a promotion puts this much faith into a group of people that basically allows them to uproot the foundation of the company and run wild for a bit…it’s classic heel heat booking at it’s finest, and I have no idea why it’s become a lost art. But after months of “coming together”, the final piece of the puzzle was put into place and The Fallout was created…and in a single night, Grace Goeren went from promising to change the landscape of the EWA … to actually changing the landscape of the EWA by cashing in and winning the EWA title. Oh, and about that cash in…FUCKING BRILLIANT BOOKING. After the big Sahara vampire spectacle and Grace introducing the Fallout, I figured they were done. That was a BIG moment on the show.

So let me highlight the brilliance of this in case you missed it…because that’s what I do. I point out shit you missed because I’m smart and you are not.

1) Going into Tokyo, we were ALL skeptical about Grace being left off the Tokyo card. It made me instantly assume she was going to cash in that night. Until…

2) Until Sahara joined Grace and Grace created the Fallout by cutting that scathing promo with Duane Gates. Or “Daddy” as the girls call him. Seriously.

3) Duane Gates is a lucky motherfucker. No, that has nothing to do with this list of bullet points…but seriously, it had to be said. His job is to literally talk shit and have Sahara, Gaunt and Grace drape themselves all over him. Think about your job right now in comparison.

4) BECAUSE of that Fallout/Vampire moment with Azrael Goeren, I was convinced I now understood why Grace had been left off the card…because they were using her to create The Fallout.

5) Which leads to the cash in I NO LONGER saw coming…

6) Fucking. Brilliant. Booking.

Now, back to the Factions…

The EWA seems to understand how to build factions — well, aside from the Hierarchy — and they made that clear by developing 3 UNIQUE monster factions in The Youth, HATE, and now The Fallout. And when I say monster, no, I don’t mean a group of ghouls and goblins, I mean monsters as in the fans are going to go bat shit over them.

But the uniqueness of these factions are what make them so brilliant.

The Youth – This classic frat style collection of assholes was booked SO well against HATE that they somehow went from being, well…a group of frat boy/sorority girl assholes to sympathetic babyfaces over the course of a few months time and hot damn if it didn’t sneak up on me. After witnessing some of the heinous dungeons and dragons shit HATE pulled on them I was all like, “COME ON YOUTH, KICK THEIR DASTARDLY ASSES!” Which gave me pause…because I was all like, “What the fuck?! Am I seriously rooting for The Youth?!”

Well, I WAS rooting for the Youth. Damn you, EWA for making me actually like The Youth, by the way…very sneaky.

Now, think about that for a moment…one of the hardest parts about wrestling is creating GOOD babyfaces. One’s we actually WANT to see win because it makes our miserable lives better when they do. Why? Because everybody wants to be the heel, and the only problem with that is not many are actually good at being a heel (yes, it’s true). And there are so few Laura Seton’s out there that getting a group like The Youth, Ray Willmott, Napalm, and others to look like GENUINE babyfaces isn’t exactly easy. And hell, I’m not even sure Napalm wants to be a babyface, but guess what, brother…you are.

If you took the EWA right now and lined everyone up and asked a random collection of fans to point out the “bad guys”…guess what, people? They’re pointing at members of HATE and The Fallout.

Period.

Which brings me to HATE – A bad ass collection of ghouls and goblins…wait. Stop a second. Didn’t I JUST say these monster factions WEREN’T a collection of ghouls and goblins? Well, this one kind of is. And Maggie rounds them out in a VERY WEIRD but amazing way, it’s hard to articulate exactly what I mean. You just have to see them together to “get it”. It has an oddly evil charm to it…and her interactions with Indrid Calder are just amazing.

And that’s not to leave out Crippler, NOTHING or Dredd…it’s just that these factions are so badass as a whole that it’s hard to devote the writing time each member deserves.

Did I say these badasses were bad ass? Well, consider this for a moment. HATE came in and were SO good at being bad, they made The Youth look like sympathetic heroes.

Seriously…consider that. That’s how MONSTROUS they are.

And then we have the Fallout. An all girl faction (well, almost all girls…their manager is a guy — a VERY lucky guy — but the actual wrestlers are girls). They compete at a VERY high level, and they make me want to be alone in a room whenever they’re on The Network. Yeah, ok, I get off on that fangoria stuff. That visual of Sahara with blood dripping down her face/shirt and spitting that cloud of blood in the air at Tokyo…

WOW! It was like gore porn. Which I sincerely hope isn’t a thing…I was simply using my witty repertoire of wordsmithing to be funny.

But seriously, that visual is etched in my memory…it was an amazing moment, and it was made even better by Liz Gaunt dancing in the bloody mist like a merry little girl that literally used the blood of a Goeren to wrap herself in joy.

So, why do we all love the Fallout so much?! Well, we don’t…they’re kind of bitches…but holy damn if they’re not a young mans wet dream. They’re sexy, they’re bloody, they’re mean as hell, and most of all, they’re backing it up in the ring.

And this is what I meant by the EWA doing factions SO well.

They’re not simply using these girls as eye candy as you might expect them to do. No. These girls are legit contenders and their power seems to grow by the day…but what I love most about them?! THEY’RE FLAWED AS HELL. Even now, Sahara is unsure of herself behind the scenes, Gaunt plays up the giddy gore whore but you can tell she’s “off” just a tick without Issac around, and Grace is so outwardly loud about how awesome she is, you know there is a scared little girl lingering right beneath the surface.

There is so much going on in the EWA outside of these factions I wish I had all day to write about each individual wrestler, from Dietrich to Alejandro and Napalm…but the factions are just sucking up the oxygen right now.

My oh my, look at that, time is short…so let me quickly touch on the emergence of Ray Willmott…rising from the ashes of the Hierarchy, Ray Willmott has come back in a HUGE way. Now one of the federations top babyfaces vying for the World Title, and deservedly so, Ray finds himself rising to the top in an environment swimming with very dangerous creatures that tend to swim in schools. How he’s going to tip-toe through this mine field should be fun to watch.

Oh what a grand time to a fan of the EWA…you have so many ESTABLISHED stars that can compete against each other…this almost feels like a resurrection of the era of attitude to me…it’s vulgar, it’s a bloody mess…it’s violent as hell…and I’m LOVING every second of it.

And then there’s Laura Seton.

Poor Laura Seton.

For weeks we’ve had to watch her get beat down by the lovely ladies of the Fallout, most often 3 on 1…and what does our heroine do?! She keeps coming back for them. Reminds me of that scene in Rocky II where Apollo’s trainer told him something along the lines of, “I’ve never seen a man get beaten that badly…and he KEPT … COMING … FOR … YOU. Now we don’t need a man like that in our lives…”

That’s Laura Seton.

Right here.

Right now.

That’s her.

She just keeps coming.

Of course, she keeps getting beaten into the ground by Grace, Gaunt and Sahara, but the fact is, with every passing second that the Fallout get hotter (heat baby, heat), the MORE we fans clamor to see Seton get her revenge.

Oh, and that Megabomb/Backstabber combo Sahara and Grace have used on our hero? I’m just saying, that’s an AWESOME move. The EWA should go social media interactive with that and have the fans name that move…unless they already did name it? Like I said, I’ve been busy!

I can say this much about Laura Seton. When she finally get’s her hands on Sahara or Grace — by themselves — the roof is going to blow off that place…and I’m sure as hell going to be there to see it.

Ok, times up for now, kids…RAG ON!